King of Ice, Queen of Hearts
by childofeden
Summary: Artemis has just met his undoing, and she's much more than she appears. How will the King of Ice handle a cursed faerie-wise american? ArtemisxOC
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF THIS !!!! (Author: Eoin Colfer)**

_(this story takes place after the 5th book and before the 6th - which I am still trying to forget exists)_

_// //_

The King of Ice, Queen of Hearts

He hated places like this. No, hated was too weak a word. Rather, he _loathed_ with the entirety of his core places like this. Places where he'd have to sit in a crowded waiting room listening to some hacked version of Mozart fuzzing away behind ancient speakers, where the chairs were tightly squeezed one next to the other, like an execution line, where everyone rubbed elbows with the other. Had his family suddenly grown poor? Had they lost their ability to discern what was in good taste? Not that going to a psychiatrist was in good taste, but one with a less public office would have been preferable.

It wasn't like he didn't live in a manor, that his family wasn't one of the wealthiest in the world; they could afford to send him to a higher end, and from where he sat _anything and everything_ was higher end, psychiatric office. It wasn't like he was an adult or anything.

"Why am I here again?" He grumbled, more to himself than to anyone else.

He sat stiffly in the chair, back rigid, hands firmly at he knees. He glanced, more of glared, around the tackily soft pink colored walls, to the inspirational posters and the stacks of magazines. To anyone around him it seemed as if he were actually talking, singularly, to himself. However, he wasn't. The massive form beside him that seemed more solid rock than man had been listening half-heartedly and had heard every word.

"It seems your parents believe it will be a good experience for you," the man responded, a soft grumble like the distant rumble of thunder.

Artemis rolled his eyes, something he never thought he'd be doing consciously, and flicked a piece of misplaced dust from his pant leg. The fact that the office had dust did nothing to improve his mood, and a nagging thought along the lines of _there's probably much more than dust in this place_ wormed itself across his mind. He nearly shuddered at the thought.

"What my parents think and how things actually are rarely ever coincide it seems," he muttered, and glanced to his left. Someone had bumped into him.

It was a scraggly adolescent with far too many piercings protruding from most of his flesh, his unwashed and seemingly unkempt hair hanging limply over the entirety the right side of his face, and a hoody that was up over his head even though he was inside. He gave Artemis a meaningful look before stalking off towards the front desk. Artemis glowered at the kid's back, making a mental note that his parents thought him to be in the same league as some anorexic brat.

"Ok doc, I will doc, thank you."

Artemis, as well as the entirety of the room, looked over to the opening door – the portal from the stuffy waiting room to the prescribed area of interest. Out stumbled a young woman of indiscernible age (though that had something to do with her back facing the audience) who was bumbling on merrily to the doctor, the same doctor who was standing obscured like a phantom behind the entrance. She was dressed in ordinary common clothing with what seemed to be an obsession with black. She wore a black skirt with black and purple leggings beneath, a black tank-top with a black necklace and black tipped hair.

She was as ordinary and comely as the ikea shelves that held the stacks of magazines, and yet Artemis found himself curiously drawn to her. He just couldn't look away. She was like a bad car accident, where you wanted to tear your eyes from it, but you were grotesquely fascinated by what unfurled before you.

If he paid attention he could see the slight embarrassed flush that appeared under the nape of her neck and tickled at the tips of her ears. The way she danced in front of the doctor indicated that she was afraid, probably shy, and wanted to be anywhere else but there. And yet her voice carried a warbling note of excitement, as if the thrill of facing her social anxieties brought her pleasure. Artemis' musings were cut short as the conversation ended and her voice petered away. She plucked the doctor's note from his fingers, the phantom's hand the only thing visible, and turned quickly on her heel.

"Fowl, Artemis," the stuffy receptionist called, her nasally voice grating against Artemis' flesh.

He lingered as much as he could to see the young woman leave, if only to capture a glance of her face. It was but a mere moment, a flash as she tucked a long strand of hair behind her ear, but it was enough for him to continue contentedly towards the psychiatrist's door. He almost didn't notice that she had stopped to, as if she had caught his eye in the act. Before he could turn around again Butler's massive form obscured his vision and he shrugged his shoulders. It was no loss, it wasn't like he actually was interested in people.

With a mental grunt he turned to face his prescribed appointment with dark thoughts. How was it, this time, that he was going to make _this_ psychiatrist miserable?


	2. Chapter 2

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF THIS !!!! (Author: Eoin Colfer)

_(this story takes place after the 5th book and before the 6th - which I am still trying to forget exists)_

_// //_

King Of Ice, Queen of Hearts

Chapter 2

It was raining by the time she got outside, and she wasn't all too sure whether or not she was happy about it. A part of her trilled in the back of her head, excited that the earth now smelt the wonderful dew, but most of her was busy being wet. Umbrella's only did any good when the rain was coming down completely vertically. It didn't work when the rain was almost coming at a ninety degree angle. With a cold shudder she huddled closer to the brick wall of the psychiatric office hoping the eaves would keep the majority of the rain off her.

She dug her right hand into her jacket pocket and pulled out the prescription – watching as it quickly turned transparent while the words bled black-blue like tears down the paper. _Ah, yes_, she thought bitterly, _the solution to everyone's problems_. Medication. Pills to make you happy, pills to level you to mellow; there was pills for pills and endless prescriptions for every problem. And every problem, there was the laughable concept, every problem was gauged by what the medical society deemed abnormal. At the moment being an extrovert was in. Introverts, well, they're just freaks and need help to fit into society. Fortunately there's pills for that.

But her problem wasn't introversion, though she was, undoubtably, an introvert. It was something that lurked deeper and darker, and she knew it. She knew it wasn't a matter of fickle lines drawn with pencil in sand, it was a real problem. She watched as the paper slowly crumpled down by its own weight, sadly disintegrating into nothingness. Oh yes, there was good reason she was in the psychiatrists office. Slowly she crunched the prescription in her fist, watching as it shredded to pieces and fell heavy to the grungy sidewalk. Though no amount of drugs was going to fix it.

Delilah watched the remaining paper float away on the steady stream of water, till it hit the gutter and disappeared beyond the underbelly of the city. She sucked air tightly into her cheeks through her clenched teeth and then let it out slowly. She should just go home and tell her parents they wasted their money. She shoved her hands into her jacket pocket. One of them hit something.

"Figures," she muttered under her breath, and pulled out the reason she was still waiting outside the office in the chilling rain from her coat pocket.

It was a nice cell phone, a specialized one from what she could tell, with only two numbers programmed in it. She had to check the phone – she didn't know who it belonged to.

Ok, that was a lie, and she knew it. She knew who it belonged to. He had been sitting in the corner chair glaring about the room when she'd come out from the doctor's office. He had been watching her, though the whole room was as well, but his intense stare caused the hairs on the back of her neck to stand up on end. She hadn't dared to get a good look at him, people unnerved her in general and men were worse. She had, though, in passing him, pulled a strand of hair out of her view so she could brave a glance. For a second it had seemed they'd made a connection.

He hadn't even looked back, as his name had been called. Delilah wished she'd been paying attention to the secretary, but her thoughts had been too busy scrambling around to have heard anything. She had turned to the now empty seat and noticed, sitting dejectedly under the chair, a cell phone. It must have been his, she had heard it clunk lightly to the floor as he'd passed, she knew it.

God, she hoped it was his.

Or else she'd been standing in the rain for about half an hour with some stranger's cellphone. For no good reason at all.

She flipped the phone around in her fingers before pocketing it again. She could wait inside, but she'd rather not. She imagined the people in there all judged her, knew why she was there. They would have sniggered to themselves, darted nasty looks in her direction if she'd stayed after she'd received her prescription. Beside, the small space was far too stuffy for her nerves.

The door beside her slammed open. She jumped nearly two feet off the ground, heart thundering madly in her chest. No one stomped out of a psychiatrist office! Who stomped out of a psychiatrists office?

Apparently the man she had been waiting for did.

And boy did he look pissed.


	3. Chapter 3

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF THIS !!!! (Author: Eoin Colfer)

_(this story takes place after the 5th book and before the 6th - which I am still trying to forget exists)_

_// // _

The King of Ice, Queen of Hearts

Chapter 3

It was pouring by the time Artemis got out from the office, though he hardly felt the rain. His mind was busy churning heatedly away; he had no time to think of where he was going and what he was going into – besides, it wasn't as if Butler didn't already have the umbrella open and above them. The nerve of that hack, who dared call himself a world-renowned psychiatrist! Artemis bit furiously, shoving his hands into his blazer pockets. That useless man had called Artemis --- he didn't even want to relive it. No. No, he wouldn't allow those words to give him rise. That would mean the psychiatrist was right.

The hack doctor wasn't right. Artemis was sure of it, and was sure he would prove the man wrong.

Out of the corner of his eye Artemis caught a fury of movement, but continued to stomp onwards, eyes fixed on the Bentley across the street. He wasn't in the mood to deal with any form of human that dared to cross his path. Idiots, the lot of them. He had stolen gold from the faeries, and had gotten away with it no less, when he was but a child. He was not an _imbecile_ by any means, and he was _**not**_ a _socially incompetent failure as a human_. The hack was just nervous, that was all, he was rambling away at the mouth trying to find buttons to push since Artemis had his number from the start. _And he'd pushed the right ones_, a small niggling voice whispered in his ear. Artemis fought the urge to furiously stomp his feet, such a toddler action was not tolerable, and instead shook his head angrily.

"I wish to return to the Manor immediately, Butler," Artemis barked.

He stopped moving towards the car, and hung his head. That had been certainly uncalled for. Ashamed, he took a deep breath and continued on a softer tone, "to have a _nice _long chat with the elder Fowls about That Hack they sent me to."

Butler did not seem to have noticed the err and, with a hardly visible smile, nodded.

"Yes, sir, promptly."

The car door was cold to the touch, and for a second Artemis recoiled before taking firm hold on the handle and opened the door. The weather must have been more frigid than he had thought, though he had hardly noticed. It would be best then for him to pull out a warmer jacket for the next time he went out. Artemis furrowed his brow slightly, he was sure he had something more to do today that was outside the Manor grounds.

"Ah – ah – excuse me, sir?"

A small voice sent his thoughts to a screeching halt, and he turned rapidly around. Butler too seemed shocked, he turned his massive form towards the door to allow both Artemis and himself a better view of the owner of the voice. A little red flag went up in the back of Artemis' mind as he stared at the girl. She seemed vaguely familiar but he was absolutely certain that he didn't know her.

Her face seemed to be pleading, the upward arch of her eyebrows, the downward tilt of her eyes, the deep dark circles under her eyes; she seemed seconds from breaking out into tears. And her clothes: her clothes hung limply to her frame like a second sagging skin, her umbrella turned uselessly inside out, her hair ragged and soaked like the rest of her. She was the embodiment of a pathetic human, and she was daring to talk to him.

"I don't do charity cases, and I will _NOT_ give you any money," Artemis said sharply, and with a fluid motion opened the door, stepped inside, and slammed it shut behind him.

Artemis watched through the tinted glass as Butler hovered for a moment, though his motivation was unknown as his back was to Artemis, before stepping off the curb and to the driver's side door. Again, Butler paused, as if uncertain, as if caring for the scraggly looking girl with blonde hair and black tips. That was it! Artemis realized, she was the girl in the waiting room, the one who had come out from the psychiatrist before him. He hadn't noticed how pitiful she looked, and how sickly. She was practically skin and bones, and her flesh had a pallor to it that neared deathly ill.

Butler stepped inside the car, shaking out the umbrella as he went. He turned towards Artemis, mouth open as if to say something, but changed his mind and started the car.

There was a tapping on the window. Artemis turned to see that the girl was still there, and was looking adamantly through the glass. There was the hint of fury along her forehead, as it bunched ever so slightly together.

"Lets go, Butler," Artemis commanded, staring strait out at the road and refusing to give his side window a second glance.

Butler did not say a word while they pulled out of the parking space and into the street. Artemis was sure that Butler wanted to say something about the girl, but was quite happy that he didn't. There was no need to discus such an unusual event as that. He only hoped that Butler didn't inquire as to how the psychiatrists meeting went, since Butler had not been allowed past the office door. He had been required to turn around and return to his seat. Something about client confidentiality. The Hack probably didn't want the threat of Butler's fist and the inevitable connection to his delicate face.

"Artemis," Butler began as they pulled up to a red light, but he stopped short. There was a furious pounding at the window.

Artemis turned his head sharply to see the soaking girl glaring daggers at him from the other side of the window. Artemis pulled back from the glass and attempted to turn to Butler but was stopped by the passion with which the girl hit the glass. He decided that in turn he would glare back. She had the persistent nerve to run after the car? She must have been desperate.

Artemis' attention was suddenly pulled to the side of the window, where the girl had flattened her hand against the glass. There, under her hand, was a familiar looking oblong shape. Something with a screen and numbers. Something that looked vaguely like --- Artemis jumped at the blunt force of the shock. He scrambled around his pockets and yet he couldn't find what he was looking for. He then turned back to the window and knew that the girl held _his_ phone under the palm of her hand.

"Butler, pull over." Even Artemis found his voice a little strange; it was strained and slightly off pitch.

When they had pulled over, the girl now triumphantly running beside the side of the car, Artemis wound down the window.

"Before you dare accuse me of stealing, I will let you know that YOU left it in the psychiatrist's office and _I_ had the _kindness_ to not only hold it for you, but also wait for you to come out and _give _it to you," the girl stated angrily, taking the phone out from the meager protection of her jacket sleeve and and placing it firmly into Artemis' open and outstretched hand.

There was something self-righteous in the way her face contorted itself, as if she was both pleased with returning the phone and intensely pissed at having to return it to _him_, that it made Artemis draw aback. He wanted to snap back, to verbally tear her to shreds and show her who was really the inferior idiot, but he knew deep down inside, though he would never admit it, that it was_ him _that had just been an idiot.

"What if it hadn't been mine?" He had to ask, both to himself and to the girl.

She blushed slightly and then furiously, as if the notion of _her_ being an idiot was unseemly.

"But it _was_," she responded, and with that turned with a pleased smile, and walked away from the car and towards the bus stop.


	4. Chapter 4

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF THIS !!!! (Author: Eoin Colfer)

_(this story takes place after the 5th book and before the 6th - which I am still trying to forget exists)_

// // // // // //

Chapter 4

Delilah watched with acute curiosity as the Bently remained stalled at the side of the road where she had left it. She had expected the car to speed off, tearing tires, and burning rubber, on the dangerous wet roads, flying as far away from her and the psychiatric office as fast as possible. She couldn't even begin to fathom the car's motives, or the driver's either. Perhaps the owner of the phone, who was rude as all hell, discovered that it wasn't _actually_ his phone. Delilah grit her teeth and shook the notion from her head. No, she had been triumphant, had show the jerk a slice of humility pie, and there was no way the moment was going to be ruined by a mistake.

Delilah flicked her wet hoody over her head and instantly wished she hadn't. Water had accumulated inside the hood, the fabric so wet that it could no longer absorb the continuing onslaught of rain, and had merrily dumped itself in an icy heap, over her hair. She was now so thoroughly wet that she supposed that if she was rung out and then hung to dry, a lake would form. It didn't help that the two leaning slabs of metal and perforated plastic that masqueraded as a bus shelter didn't stop the rain from pouring in from all sides, dripping heavy frozen and dirty droplets from the ceiling onto her head, no matter where she stood. The rain was now sufficiently through her that it cut into her bones, and settled deep into her marrow. Every bone ached, every muscle twitched and shook, even her gritted teeth clattered together in a mad sort of beat. Delilah sniffled, and hoped the bus came soon or she'd probably die of hypothermia in the hour.

"Excuse me Miss," cut a voice through her desolate thoughts of frost bite and a slow numbing death, sharp enough to make her jump in the air and her heart leap about in a mad frenzy.

Delilah stopped staring at her weather worn shoes and, with great surprise, looked up into the phone owner's eyes. He was hovering at the opening of the bus shelter, umbrella magically keeping any stray drop from colliding into the man, a strange and undefinable expression on his face. It looked like a cross between disgust, uncertainty, shame, and a great deal of anger. Oh, it must not have really been his phone then. Oops.

"I – ah," Delilah knew that she should apologize, but she really didn't want to, not to give that jerk the satisfaction of her error.

"Thank you for returning my phone. Such action was quite considerate," the man dictated, stiffly and dry, as if he was reading lines from a que card, "and I noticed that I had been considerably ungrateful, and that you are quite soaked waiting for a bus that may not come for another hour. If you do not mind, I would like to deliver you to your intended destination as way of gratitude," his voice petered out slightly, and he coughed, "and apology."

It took Delilah a moment to stop forming an apology of her own and decipher what he had just said. It had sounded like a pretentious way of an apology, as if he could distract from the fact that he had been in the wrong by adding pompous words and large diction. She might look stupid, though Delilah in all her life had never actually met someone who _looked_ stupid, but she wasn't as easily fooled as this man thought she was. What an arrogant ass! She almost spat at his offer, but revenge very slowly worked its way through her numbed mind. It wouldn't be a bad idea to get a lift, to go home, take a hot shower, and forget the whole afternoon even happened.

"You're apologizing by taking me home?" Delilah couldn't help but be skeptical, despite the man's mastery of vocabulary and his largely inflated ego, she could see right though him. He didn't really want to take her anywhere, except perhaps the pound, and it really wouldn't ease his mind by going out of his way like this. She could tell. People who meant what they said, people who made up for indiscretions by doing "good" deeds, did it to help them sleep better at night. This man didn't seem the type to care about something as minor as a misconception, he could just as easily drive off without her, run over her foot in the process, and leave her with the medical bill, and have the best sleep in the world.

An irritated expression crossed his face, and he folded his arms across his chest – quite a feat since he kept the umbrella upright in the process.

"What do you really want?" Delilah inquired, when she was certain the man wasn't going to respond.

"To apologize." His answer was quick and biting, not the appropriate tone for a person who was allegedly asking for forgiveness.

"Right. Its quite simple, all you have to do is open your mouth and say 'I'm sorry'."

His jaw clenched and his muscles tensed up. Nope. Didn't look like he could.

"Alright. Then, tell me the truth. You dont care about apologizing and I really dont know who you're trying to appease or impress, cause it certainly isnt me, and I sure to God hope it isn't the big guy."

"I'm just trying -"

"To make amends. Right. Because I'm as stupid as they come. I'm going to get in a car with two strangers, both men, one of whom could take on ten men with his eyes blindfolded and one hand tied behind his back, and not break a sweat. He could kill me with his pinky. I dont know what you're trying to pull, but it aint gunna work."

He stood there in the rain, teeth clenched, fists balled, and glared at her with a glare that would wilt a grown man and make him piss his pants. For a moment Delilah almost stepped back, but her will wouldn't allow it. He was after something, and she wasn't going to let it go. Not when it was freezing, not when he was wasting his time, there had to be a reason and she was going to find out.

"To prove That Hack is wrong."

Delilah was surprised, she hadn't expected him to tell the truth. The man shut his jaw and with thin lips, didn't say another word. To prove someone wrong? She could live with that. Only question remaining, what was he proving wrong.

"Which is?"

For a second she thought he was going to leave, his shoulders stiffened up and he moved his foot to the outside, severely unamused. He surprised her further by responding.

"I'm not a failure of a human."

It was muttered under his breath, as if he were ashamed of saying it, afraid of letting his own ears hear the blasphemy. Delilah was honestly caught aghast, she hadn't expected that. Not the truth. He now looked furious, he had bared himself, even if it was for a second, probably for reasons that baffled even him. Delilah had to fight to keep from smiling, he was so agitated about one thing that he was honest for completely dishonest reasons.

"Fine, you can take me home. But only if you buy me lunch."

Delilah decided to be kind and put him out of his misery.

"Extortionist" he muttered instinctively, and turned away from her, stalking back towards the Bently.

"Jerk" She retorted, following closely behind, and watching as the rain trailed off the umbrella. It was an impressive feat - even the rain was scared shitless in the presence of this man.

Delilah could feel the cold her flesh and dig nails into her bones. Every part of her was shaking - to a point where she was surprised the man in front her couldn't hear it. Though she was now under the meager protection of the umbrella, the biting wind did worse to her soaked body. The chill had set in and Delilah knew that she would at best have a cold in the morning. By the aching feeling in her muscles though, she was fairly certain she would probably awake with a fever.

He opened the car door for her, looking displeased with his own action. Well, she wasn't going to go easy on him, even if he was honest. First she'd take him somewhere with ambiance that screamed unsanitary, though by all means it would be sanitary, then she'd take him down the scenic route to her house. Just for fun.

"Here we are Miss," came his forced voice, distain hardly masked by the pathetic veil of faux-pleasure.

"Hey, just an FYI, but my name's Delilah."

"Artemis," he stated, without making eye contact or even taking her outstretched hand, and with that closed the door.


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF THIS !!!! (Author: Eoin Colfer)**

_(this story takes place after the 5th book and before the 6th - which I am still trying to forget exists)_

* * *

Chapter 5

"So, who is it, exactly, you're trying to impress again?"

The sickly looking girl, Delilah she had told him, looked up at him, eyes dancing behind some hidden joke, a smile twitching at the corners of her lips. She had been bent over the table, hunched backed and sloppy, folding a sheet of paper into squares, then folding again. She had asked for the kids menu when the waitress had gone by, an odd thing to do, and then explicitly expressed that she didn't want to order anything from the menu, just wanted the paper. Now she was almost done, the paper folded into something that resembled a triangular origami animal.

Artemis didn't respond, it wasn't any of this girl's business. He clenched his jaw and glared at her, in futile hope that he would scare her off. The place smelt like a cacophony of spices that burned his nose and stung at his eyes. The waiters hardly spoke english, the food offered was not only commoners meal but also inedible tripe, and the entire atmosphere screamed public health violation.

He snorted in derision. Artemis was utterly baffled by his own honesty, and wasn't about to make the mistake again. He hadn't even told Butler his motivations for crying out loud! And here he had allowed the words to splatter out from his clenched teeth onto the pavement. And she had watched, amused, as he was consumed by his own humiliation.

Of course he wasn't a failure as a human. He wasn't a failure at anything. He was vastly superior to everyone around him, and that was all he needed to remember.

"So... Artemis was it? Thats quite an -" she began, the light in her eyes flickering wildly, the smile so wide on her face she was practically all teeth.

"Are you always this grotesquely savage? Or is this just a special occasion." He cut her off curtly.

The smile flickered. Artemis almost smiled in turn. That shut her up. She had one hand in the appetizer (something he had quickly declined consumption) and the partially eaten chip in her fingers. She closed her lips and swallowed the food quietly.

She was quite the stray. Though, now that he was close proximity with her, he could see that she wasn't as repulsive as he'd first assumed. The circles under her eyes _were_ deep, and her skin _was_ sallow, but her eyes were a sharp bright green – almost emerald, and her facial structure _was_ cherubic. He supposed that with extensive work she could possibly become some semblance of pretty. Though by no means could she ever be a raging beauty, of that he was certain.

"Is that stick stuck so far up there that its touching your brain? Or do you just like me?" she retorted once she'd cleared her throat with a glass of water.

"I beg your pardon?"

She didn't even miss a beat this time.

"That's right, you do beg, don't you?"

Rage roared in his ears. Artemis could feel the fire flick at his tongue, urging him to form the words he needed to say to shut this girl down. He couldn't even – he couldn't begin – he started breathing in slowly, calming himself. He didn't feel rage. He couldn't be provoked by such a statement from such an ignorant simpleton. He instead ground his teeth.

Something sparked in her eyes. She was no longer smiling, now she was grinning not unlike a lunatic. She continued.

"That stick, the one that's stuck up your ass. Is it like permanently attached to your atlas or something? Cause you have some serious problems, man."

They glared at each other over the table. Artemis wasn't about to admit it, but he was remotely impressed that she didn't wither under his stare. She stood her own and pierced her lips and narrowed her eyes.

"You wont get a response from me continuing on like this." Artemis informed sharply, looking at her over his water flute. He wasn't drinking it, he didn't trust it. He was just inspecting the rim, which was very faintly flecked with water stains. Barbarians.

"You said you were trying to prove 'That Hack' wrong? Am I safe to assume you mean Dr. Finkly?"

"You're not safe to assume anything."

"Mmm, make an ass outta you an' me, right right... but I am right, aren't I?"

Her expression softened moderately. Artemis didn't stop glaring. Why had he said anything? Why had he stopped? She was obviously an ingrate! All she had done was return to him her phone – which she could have stolen in the first place – and here he was paying for her meal! He hadn't asked her to wait in the rain, in fact, she could have just as easily waited in the office.

"Why were you waiting in the rain?" Artemis inquired, in a manner he hoped was innocuous and casual.

Delilah stopped folding what he could now tell was a paper bird.

"You're changing the subject," she intoned.

"I'm doing no such thing."

"You're deflecting off of you and onto me. Fine, you want to know why? I tell you, you'll tell me why exactly you're trying to prove yourself to Dr Finkly – and how do you expect to do it with me."

She had folded her arms across her chest, and had leaned back in her chair. Artemis straightened out and mirrored her expression. Two could play this game.

"That's irrelevant."

"No. Its perfectly relevant, as seeing as it has to do with me."

They glared at each other. Artemis could feel Butler chuckling behind him, quietly to himself. Delilah had asked if it was alright if Butler sat in the table behind them – so that he was still there, physically with Artemis, but so that she wasn't so intimidated by his bulk. She had raised her hands and professed that she had no ill intentions in mind, scouts honor. Butler had actually chuckled then too, had given her a square look then taken a firm seat behind Artemis, so close that his broad back merged with the back of Artemis' chair.

Butler found her amusing? My, he must have been getting old. Artemis took a deep breath and sighed. He wasn't about to be moved. As if she sensed this Delilah made a face then spoke.

"I have problems."

Artemis couldn't stop the derisive snort from issuing.

Delilah opened and closed her mouth, and then frowned.

"I hate how judgmental it feels in there. I mean, I know everyone in there has problems, hell, that's why they're there, but I still feel ... like I'm a freak. I dunno. And Dr Finkly's an alright Dr an' all, but I just get the feeling he doesn't get me. Not in the least. My parents want me to go, think therapy and drugs'll fix me... but its not that simple."

Artemis felt the cold anger fade. He could understand. It wasn't hard. His parents were almost the same way – though he was by no means defective like this silly girl. He was just too smart for anyone else to remotely understand him. She, she was just as common as they came. They weren't the same, not in the least! But... all the same he could feel the connection.

Artemis almost choked on the thought. Feel? Fell the connection? With a commoner as banal and ill spoken and ill educated as her? Pah! What a ridiculous thought! He was letting her pathetic situation take advantage of him again, just like in the car! Next thing he'd be doing was offering her a kerchief or worse, _dinner_.

"So?"

Artemis stopped his discourse. She was now tapping her foot against the grimy floor, expectant.

"So?" Artemis parroted.

"Your turn. I told you why I was at Dr Finkly's in the rain, you've got to tell me what you've got to prove, and what it has to do with me."

Artemis ran his hand through his hair cooly and said nothing.

That is, until Butler elbowed him in the ribs.

Making a mental note to have Butler's head examined, Artemis sighed.

"I haven't had ample enough time to ... finesse the details, but from what I gathered by his blathering rant on my person, he thinks I cannot make real human connections with others, especially those I deem not my equal."

"Well, isn't that a shock," Delilah drawled, now folding up another sheet of paper she'd miraculously conjured out of thin air.

Artemis continued, as if uninterrupted. He wasn't going to allow her to get under his skin.

"I believe that I can prove him wrong, and in doing so humiliate him as a hack, that he is."

"Mmhmm, right. And this isn't because you're afraid that he's absolutely right, and that you have no social skills to speak of and in fact, the few that you do respect enough to care about either are twice your age, dead, or in another country – leaving you utterly alone. And it wasn't until he made note of it, that you felt humiliated, because no one should be able to see through you that easy. Right?"

Artemis was stunned speechless. Twice in one day! This was the second time someone had just cut right through him – made presumptions about him and managed, though he figured it was blind dumb luck, to upset him! Wasn't he a genius? Wasn't he so far advanced along in human evolution that no one should be able to guess a thing about him? He was a rock, impenetrable, and yet this complete stranger had looked him in the eye and guessed that he was alone.

He'd once embraced that idea – the solitude, the singlism. He'd figured he'd been born a great man to stand alone, much like other greats. No one could possibly fathom the depths of his genius, and no one could connect with him on any such level to call a companion. Butler was more than twice his age, as was his parents, and Holly was busy living her life in the underground – and none of them quite knew him at all. He was inconsolably alone.

But he wasn't lonely. No. That would mean he desired, hell, needed human – or other – company. He'd gotten this far without it, there was no need to change.

"You've no idea what you're talking about," Artemis growled.

Delilah looked up from her second origami bird and fixed on him. He could feel her stare plunge into his, as if she could see straight to his soul. Her eyes were as cold as his. Artemis shivered. Perhaps, however inconceivable, she was sharp. Much sharper than he'd expected.

"Oh. Really? Well, then, how about a wager? I bet that by the Debutant Ball you not only insult every man woman and child in the ballroom, but you don't make a single connection. Hmm?"

"I'll make no such agreement with a complete stranger. You think I as stupid as you?"

"Fine. But then Dr Finkly is right, and horror of all horrors, I'm right, and I don't even have a PhD."

They were glaring each other down again. He couldn't let her win like this. Was he a genius or wasn't he? It was simple reverse psychology. He shouldn't be duped so easily. And yet, he ground his teeth, she was right. She was absolutely and horribly right. And he hated her for it.

"What would be my motivation? I mean, besides knowing that I'm right and you're wrong. Why should I prove myself to anyone but myself?"

This time she sighed, blowing her hair out of her face.

"Because you need to. You like a challenge. You need to prove this to yourself because if you don't you'll be bored and disappointed and chaffing for who knows how long. As for motivation – fine, if you make one single, solid, legitimate, friend, and when I say friend I mean friend – someone you trust and respect and like – I'll go skinny dipping in the fountain outside the Gala – as everyone leaves. You want humiliation – it don't get more humiliating than that."

Artemis was tempted. He couldn't deny it for a second. How she'd known him that well baffled him, but he'd find out. He was good a puzzles and she was as kindergarten as they came. So what if she'd baited him? He'd get the last laugh, for certain. Moreover it was two birds with one stone – three birds even if he considered his parents, and he'd get an entertaining show out of it.

"I'll consider it."

"Mmm, consider away Artemis," she drawled out his name deliberately before continuing, "but just know, if I'm right and you cant make a single friend, you have to skinny dip in the fountain. In front of EVERYONE. Oh, and also publicly announce that you're a moron." She took a sip of her water and smiled, deviously.

"Who would even remotely agree -" Artemis began but she swiftly cut him off.

"Then you're not confident in yourself? You don't believe you can learn to like people, and I mean actually like people, in four months? Cause if you ask me that's a long enough time. And here I thought you were a self proclaimed wunderkind." She leaned back in her chair and signaled for the waiter. "Fine, suit yourself. You know yourself better than I."

Artemis knew, he was oh so very aware, that he shouldn't give her the satisfaction – shouldn't bite. She was just egging him on, that damn pleased smile on her face stretching contortedly from ear to ear. She knew she had him baited. But he couldn't stop himself. He'd rationalize it later.

"I'll take your wager. I hope you like public displays of indecency."

Instantly her hand shot out over the table, and that smile now reached the depths of her pupils. Artemis tentatively shook it, remotely wondering what he just got himself into.

"Same to you."

Well, at least he'd no longer be bored.

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To the readers:

Holy cow its been a whole year since I've touched this story! Bet you thought I was dead, didn't you? :) Hope you enjoy. More to come, promise!


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN ARTEMIS FOWL AND I'M NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANY MONEY OFF THIS !!!! (Author: Eoin Colfer)**

_(this story takes place after the 5th book and before the 6th - which I am still trying to forget exists)_

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Chapter 6

Delilah wondered what she was doing.

She stared up at the barred front gates and gulped. Sure, she'd assumed by his power suit and slicked back hair, not to mention his outrageous jerk-all attitude, that Artemis was rich and well positioned, but frankly not to this extent. He'd only handed out his first name – she didn't know he was nobility. How could she have? Shit. She'd made a bargain with frickin' nobility. She'd offended, argued with, and to top it off, made a wager with someone who was powerful enough to have her kicked out the country. Ok, maybe that was a little medieval, but she wouldn't be surprised.

Delilah mustered up all the courage that she could – which was hard since most of it had run away to the far recesses of the security wall that surrounded the manor. She hadn't the energy to fight with herself. She licked her lips and took in a shaky breath. She could just go home. It was that simple. She could just forget about _all_ of it, go back home to America and use some lame excuse like the doctor was a hack. Right.

And then they'd stick her back in that institution. She shuddered again, though this time it had nothing to do with the stature of Artemis' house. Mansion. Monstrosity.

With a fair amount of uncertainty she thumbed the intercom button again.

"Yes?" came a static gruff but recognizable voice.

It belonged to the Giant. She hadn't caught his name, though it had sounded as if Artemis had called him a butler. That man wasn't like any butler she'd ever seen, he was a frightening bolder of a man to behold. Calling him a brick would be like calling a lion a kitten.

The Giant had a low gravely voice, which she found quite fitting for a man of his bulk, with a clipped refined way of speaking. Which was what definitely escaped from the intercom.

"YES?" The Giant repeated.

Delilah cleared her throat. Certainly he could see her. There were camera's covering all areas of the wall, and one that glared out at her from the com itself. Did he not recognize her?

"Uh... yes, I dont you if you remember me, but I'm Delilah, from uh, the day before? It was wet and rainy and your, uh," Delilah racked her brain, what was the word for Artemis? "employer, lost his phone... It was small and square and" She took a deep breath, she was rambling, "anyway I was told to come here?"

She cringed. Just last night she had received a phone call from the high-class-knee-jerk – at somewhere around one o'clock in the morning. Creepy vamp didn't have any concept of other people's time. But then again, what did she expect? He had told her that he wanted to meet with her to formally discuss the components of the wager, and then launched on a diatribe about paper and signage and officiality. She had been so tired most of it came across as a pompous blur. But he had given her a time and an address, and fortunately she'd been cognizant enough to write it down.

"I'm sorry, could you repeat your name?" The Giant instructed.

Delilah cleared her throat again. As she had predicted, the morning after the unfortunate incident with Artemis she'd awoken with chills and a fever. Now, two days later, she had an nasty nose clogging, throat itching, cold.

"Delilah. Delilah Ressen."

Silence.

She kept her thumb on the intercom and leaned in.

"Listen, I was told to come here by Artemis. But, hey, I could just go."

She let go the intercom and waited. She closed her eyes and wished that the Giant didn't open the gates and told her to go home. That way she could just call the whole thing off without looking like a coward. She opened her eyes slowly with a sigh. She didn't ordinarily argue with people, she didn't like confrontation, but _oh_ did Artemis know how to just piss her off. He was so arrogant, so proud, so condescending. And she knew it had more to do with his perceptions of superior intellect than it did with his status. Though the status thing didn't hurt, not one whit. She could tell, though, by the choice of his words, by his formal and biting way of speaking, that he looked down on everyone because he thought he was _oh so _high up.

And it made her want to drag him down. She could, she knew it. However, it couldn't be in any traditional way. He'd see that coming. She couldn't go fist to cuffs with him, no matter how much she wished, mostly because the Giant would probably crush her with his sheer presence. She'd have to be smart about it. She'd have to challenge him, make it interesting. She'd have to use everything in her arsenal to prove that he was wrong. About everything and everyone.

It took her a moment to realize that while she was musing the gates had been opened. But only a moment.

Delilah made her way up to the front of the house, walking down the long gravel drive and admiring the landscape design. It all reflected the cold calculating power of the manor, with the same precisely trimmed edges and staunch linear sides. She imagined that if Artemis was artistic, this was exactly how he'd express his inner workings.

The front door loomed up, a double door design with ornate lattice work, and in the doorway stood The Giant. He had his arms folded across his chest and he nodded in her direction as she approached.

"Artemis is waiting for you in the study," he informed. "Please follow me."

And so she did.

She had little time to admire the interior design of the place. It looked like it had recently been remodeled, how recent was beyond her, but she'd been in museum houses before and they didn't look like this one. Though maybe that had something to do with being lived in. She was, unfortunately, unable to continue speculating as she was pushed forward at the quick pace of the Giant.

They walked up one set of stairs (so grand that she had to gasp) turned down two hallways, and eventually wound up at the front of a set of mahogany double doors. The Giant knocked firmly and then stood, straight backed and feet apart, with his hands behind his back. Perhaps he was once in the military. He certainly acted like he had been.

"Yes?" Came the agitated reply.

Delilah's blood chilled at the sound of it. She wanted to punch Artemis' face in and he wasn't even in the same room as her! This probably wasn't a bright idea. Maybe if she left the country and they made the agreement by phone or internet – something that didn't require physical confrontation.

"The young woman, Delilah, is here," The Giant boomed through the door.

Almost instantly the door swung open, though Artemis was no where to be seen. The Giant stepped aside. Delilah didn't move. She didn't know what awaited her at the other side, and she didn't know if she had enough control over herself not to make things worse. For all she knew she would end up socking the guy in the jaw – and then would certainly be pummeled by the big man. Or worse yet, she could dig herself a bigger whole by agreeing to another wager.

"Please, come in," Artemis' voice carried out from the room, now dripping with impatience and disdain.

Oh, that was all she needed.

With a baring of teeth and a huff Delilah stormed into the study without second thought.

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_AN:_

_I suddenly remembered why I hadn't updated in a year! Ha! ... So I think I'm going to fix chapter 5 at some point... hang in there! (is that to myself??? I dunno...) I guess I mean, **bear with me ...** I needed to move the plot forward with chapter five ... which is why its a flimsy piece of plot riddled with holes_

_I promise I'll fix it later!_

_ONWARDS!_

Anyone notice how "bear with me" looks like it's spelt wrong? No? Just me?


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